


Rush Hour 4

by BraveShine



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night - All Media Types, Fate/stay night: Unlimited Blade Works (Anime 2014)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, I just wanna let you know, It's not a Rush Hour AU or anything, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rush Hour 1 & 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 19:59:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15803559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BraveShine/pseuds/BraveShine
Summary: This is what happens when you get an Aquarius, an old man who would deck his past self, and three people who have now idea how actual human people work and think.





	Rush Hour 4

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks to my lovely fiance for editing this. It's better for all of us that she did it instead of my illiterate ass.

“Fucki- Ugh! I hate him so much!”

“Who? The Matou asshole?”

“No. Well, yes. But not right now.”

“Who else could possibly get you this worked up?”

The most disgruntled “UGH” bellows from deep within her tired soul.

“Emiya, of course! The kid doesn’t know shit from fuck!”

“Tell me about it.”

“I’d rather not.”

Archer sits up from his extremely laid-back position on the couch.

“No Rin. Seriously. Tell me about it. Nothing would make me happier,” he says in a calloused and almost sadistic tone. 

Taken aback by his almost personal interest in her life—no, it has to be an interest in Emiya—she hesitantly continues. 

“It’s like I have to teach him magic from the beginning. Like he’s some big, dumb, 17-year-old, stupid baby!”

“At least he can cook for himself. And for you, too.”

“OKAY, SURE! Yea, his food’s amazing but his cooking is not gonna keep him alive in this Grail War.”

“Of course it isn’t.  _ You are _ , apparently.”

Rin sharply turns around from her vanity with her cleanser foam half applied and her hand still thick with it, pointing straight at Archer’s face.

“Look here, smartass. If you’ve got something to say, say it to my cute, well moisturized, crystal clear face that I work  _ really hard _ to maintain. Otherwise, I’ve still got one last command seal and keeping your mouth permanently shut in exchange for the opportunity to warp reality is well worth it.”

“Look. All I’m saying, Rin, is that you-”

Rin quickly curls her non-foamed hand up into a fist, showing Archer her command seals, the last one glowing with her elevated pulse.

Calm and collected, Archer shrugs and continues. “All I’m trying to say is that, as much as you complain about him, having him close isn’t a bad thing. Saber is reasonably skeptical about getting too close, but fortunately, Emiya is too naive to think anything of it. With him, we have Saber’s busted-ass Noble Phantasm on our side, and a scapegoat in case things go south.”

Conflicted with Archer’s ruthless logic, Rin grimaces and tilts her head so far it looks like her C4 disc is about to pop straight out of her neck. A split second later she gives a “humph” and turns back around to finish step 2 in her 10 step nightly facial routine. A few seconds after that she furrows her brows in confusion and turns back to Archer, having made little progress with the foam. “Wait… you already know Saber’s True Name?”

“Of course, I do! Do you not? God, Rin, go read a book or something.”

For a third and final time, she turns back to her vanity and starts with step 3: exfoliation. “How about you go and make me my bedtime tea, asshole.”

Rin hears Archer get up and leave to do just that. But the fact that he did so without making yet another snide comment pisses her off even more. From the vanity, she yells loud enough that the neighbors could hear.

“I’LL GO READ A BOOK WHEN YOU LEARN HOW TO USE A GODDAMN BOW AND ARROW, YOU BIG DUMB, STUPID BABY, USELESS-ASS ARCHER!”

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Jeez, I don’t understand what her deal is…”

“Is something wrong with Sakura?”

“Wha- no. Nothing’s wrong with Sakura.”

“Is something wrong with Fuj-”

“No, nothing’s wrong with Taiga. I’m talking about Tohsaka.”

“Oh, that wench. Wait no. That bitc-”

Just then, Shirou drops a pot that slipped from his hands as he was washing it. “WHOA THERE, who the heck taught you that language, Saber? Was it Taiga? I know she nags you for speaking like a medieval knight, but you don’t have to take it to heart. Especially not like this.”

“Sorry Shirou. It was not Fujimura this time. I learned of this new term while watching the television last night. Specifically, a film called ‘Pulp Fiction.’”

“Jeez, we’re gonna have to set some child lock or something on the TV…”

“Anyways. Shirou, why does Rin have you so frustrated? Has she insulted you once more?”

“No, not this time. At least, I’m not sure. She’s been very uhhhhh ‘hot and cold’ during school I guess.”

“Why would she be hot and cold at the same time? Is it a fever? Why would this frustrate you, Shi-“

“No, Saber. It’s not a fever. It’s an expression. Let me explain. She was pretty nice and cheery this morning, talking to me and Sakura before class started.” He slows his dishwashing until it halts. “But on our way home after school, we started talking about magic and how I’m getting better at my Projection and she just starts yelling at me! Something about it not being enough... I think Tohsaka doesn’t see me as a real mage.” As his tone slumps down, so does his head, almost into the sink.

“Both you and I know that what she thinks is untrue, Shirou. She must be wary of your growing prowess. The more she sees you as an adversary, the more she will insult you.” Saber’s gaze remains on the TV, but her voice and posture remain steadfast. “You too Shirou, must not take this to heart.”

“I don’t really know if that’s it, Saber. She’s a serious kind of person, and a serious kind of person would take their enemy seriously. Right?”

“It is true that if she saw you as an enemy, she would not come over for dinner with remarkable consistency.”

Having finished with the dishes from tonight’s dinner, Shirou turns and objects. “Well now, everyone’s welcome to have dinner here. How am I supposed to turn her away, even if she was mean to me on our way here?”

“Very simple, Shirou. You turn her away.”

“Jeez Saber. That’d just be plain rude. I can’t just do that.”

“Oh, but you can. And you should.” Saber says calmly, pulling out some curry-flavored rice crackers from under the kotatsu—her usual cache of convenience store snacks.

Shirou shakes his head a bit and cracks a smile as he sits at the kotatsu. “The same way I should stop giving you an allowance for snacks every day! It’s not healthy! Only people that spend all day on their computers eat snacks like you do.”

“Please do not compare me to the cretin that is Sakura’s brother,” she says, making sure that the curry rice crackers are well out of Shirou’s reach.

“Goodness. Saber, I didn’t even mention Shinji. Wait. How did you know that’s how he spends his free time?”

“When Sakura and I are alone, she tells me many things about the happenings in the Matou residence.”

“It’s good to see that you’re getting along with her too, not just with Taiga. If only we could both get along more with Tohsaka.”

“And the ever-elusive Archer she has contracted.”

“I guess we could get along with him too, yeah…”

“What’s wrong, Shirou? Has he also insulted you? Is he also a bitc-”

“SABER!”

 

=========================================================

 

“So, it’s lunch today?”

“So, you’re an asshole today?”

“Jeez, right out the gate with it.”

“You said it yourself, Archer. The closer we get to him, the better.”

“So, you’re not going just to eat his cooking.”

“Right.”

“Sure you aren’t. Is it really even that good?”

“All you’re good for is tea, so why even question his cooking?”

“Well, you haven’t asked.”

“Asked you what?”

“For me to cook.”

“God, Archer, why would I want that? You haven’t even told me your True Name yet. How can I trust that you’re not some 14th century Brit about to serve me some unseasoned gruel and tell me it’s your specialty or some shit?”

“Okay, you know what. That’s fair.”

“That’s what I thought.”

The heated telepathic conversation conveniently ends as Rin approaches the front gate of the Emiya residence. She goes through the gate and rings the doorbell while Archer remains incorporeal. The door opens and Rin flinches at the sight of Sakura, who looks pleasantly surprised to see her.

“Oh, Ms. Tohsaka!”

“Jeez Sakura, we’re both like 17, you can cool it with the ‘Ms.’ deal. Or at that rate, just call me Rin.”

“Oh well, Tohsaka. Please come in!”

Sakura leads her through the entrance and into a living room that’s starting to become comfortable with Rin. Shirou is well at work in the kitchen, as he usually is, and Saber is at the kotatsu in front of the TV, like she usually is. Except today, the TV isn’t on and the unnecessarily loud crinkling of bags isn’t polluting the air.

“What’s wrong with her?”

“I’m not quite sure. Mr. Emiya said something about her being in ‘time-out’”

“Again Sakura, we’re your classmates, not your in-laws. Anyways, Emiya, what the hell did you do to Saber?”

“What did  _ I _ do? You should be asking what did  _ she _ do!”

“ _ Clearly _ the innocent party here, aren’t we, jackass. Well, why don’t you enlighten us as to why you are pissed at Saber.”

“Okay, for the record, I am not only innocent, but I’m also saving you.”

“You couldn’t save yourself from drowning in a glass of water. Besides, what could the honorable Saber have done to us.”

As he calmly washes the rice, Shirou turns his head over the shoulder to lock eyes with Rin.

“Poisoned you.”

Rin narrows her eyes at Shirou, ready to let loose a flurry of degrading comments, but she eases up when she hears Sakura chirp up.

“Ms. Saber, why does Mr. Emiya say you wanted to poison us?”

“I WOULD NEVER!”

“SEE EMIYA, YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT!”

“Tohsaka, language!”

“FUC-”

“MY INTENT!” Saber starts as she sits up to defend herself against this slander, but then slumps back down with a pout onto the kotatsu as she continues. “Was to alleviate Shirou’s housework and prepare the dinner this evening. I was to prepare my specialty. My fellow kn- comrades would beg for seconds when I prepared it out on the field.”

“Aw. Ms. Saber’s specialty! What is it?”

“Every kni- fieldsman would know the most ideal nourishment comes from gruel.”

Archer gives a short and singular chuckle only audible by Rin, currently pinching the bridge of her nose in disbelief.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

About 10 minutes pass as Shirou continues preparing lunch while Sakura and Rin console Saber over her recent guilty verdict. 

“Well, we can still help Mr. Emiya prepare, don’t you agree?”

“I do not comprehend the exotic dishes Shirou intends to prepare for lunch today.”

“Yea Sakura, I kinda have to agree with Saber. I cook for myself quite a bit, but if I were to cook with Emiya, I’d feel like I’d just get in the way....”

“I understand! I’ll still see if he needs any sort of help!”

“Whatever floats your boat.”

Saber remains jaded with the cruel, cruel world she finds herself in while Sakura gets up to do exactly as she said and Rin reaches for the remote in front of Saber. Rin picks it up and immediately feels confused by how long the remote is. She gives it a quick up-down and understands less than when she first picked it up. After pressing what was assumed to be the power button, Rin looks up to find the TV silent and still. She then begins to partake in some Olympic-level mental gymnastics trying to make sense of the array of buttons in her hands.

What felt like a hellish eternity to Rin was just a single minute passing before she comes back to reality. She looks over to Saber, hoping that the resident couch potato would be able to offer some discrete help. But unfortunately for Rin, Saber is fast asleep, undisturbed by Rin’s stare. Unable to look away for a short moment, Rin first thought her cute like a small house cat. Cute enough to try and pet her. But that image quickly warped into a slumbering lion, king of the jungle. Resting, knowing that none can dethrone the apex predator.

A cold sweat down her spine, she snaps out of it and turns her head away. Her eyes then lock with the scene of Shirou and Sakura in the kitchen, casually chatting away as they continue. Happily... Knots twist and gnarl in Rin’s stomach as those same vines reach up within her and snare her heart. She grips her heirloom pendant and calms down.

“Is it ready yet? I’m not the only one starving over here. Poor Saber’s gone comatose and I'm getting all hypoglycemic. I swear I’m seeing things.”

“It’ll be just another minute. Sakura, could you set the table for me, while I get this off the stove?”

“Sure!”

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

After dinner, Sakura and Rin help Shirou pick up the empty plates off the table. Sakura starts filling up some tupperware she brought with leftover paella. Once done, she makes her way towards the entrance. 

“Mr. Emiya, thank you so much for the delicious food tonight! Please show me more recipes that use saffron next time! Ms. Tohsaka and Ms. Saber, thank you so much for your company tonight! I'm afraid I'll have to leave now before it gets too late. My brother shouldn't eat so late in the day or it'll spoil his dinner”

“Walk home safe, Sakura!”

“Spit in his food, Sakura!”

Sakura smiles and exits promptly, giving no clear sign as to whether or not she'll heed Rin’s advice.

With that, Shirou gives a short sigh and gets up to go do dishes. Rin looks at him for a little while as he works and almost impulsively makes the decision to help. She undoes her usual pigtails and re-ties it into a neat ponytail. After brushing at her bangs to make sure they're fine, she gets up and goes up behind Shirou. “You got any extra gloves around here? Dish soap’s not great for the skin and all.”

Surprised, Shirou turns around to instruct her as to where they might be. But as soon as he faces her, Rin notices Shirou flinch and turn back around. “What? Do you want my help or not? ‘Cause I can just go back to the kotatsu and watch Rush Hour with Saber.” Managing to tear her eyes away from the action-packed comedy at the mention of her name, Saber blankly looks over and quickly gets back to the cinematic masterpiece the moment she realizes they don't need her. 

“No, uh sorry. The gloves are in that drawer. Thanks.”

“I can't believe she caters to that worm of a human as much as she does, huh?”

“I dunno why. It gets pretty bad. Shinji should stop.”

“But you’re also cooking for him too, or did I get that wrong?”

“I.... well.”

“Well?”

“Look, Sakura asks for it, and I don’t wanna tell her no.”

“I get you, but this isn’t healthy for her either. Besides, that scumbag doesn’t deserve shit. Much less your cooking.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that all he deserves is to di-”

“No, not that. What do you mean by ‘much less my cooking.’”

“Well. You’re cooking’s pretty damn good. Now if only your skills in magic were at the same caliber. You’d be in the upper ranks of the Clocktower!”

“Hey now! Not this again. Also, the upper ranks of the what?”

“Yes, this again! How the fuck do you not know what’s basically the international magic police! Stop messing around and learn something about magic, ideally something harder than your Projection.”

“But my Projection is getting stronger at the very least!”

“I know it is, Shirou, but you have to take this seriously, this is  _ war _ !”

Interrupting their heated conversation, Saber blurts out without averting her gaze from the movie. “Had this era had more Mystery, many more modern people would be eligible to be Servants. Surely, a commendable warrior and entertainer like Jackie Chan would await at the Throne of Heroes under those conditions. But as he usually combats unarmed, what class would have suite him most, had he been summoned during this Grail War?”

After a moment of silence, broken only by Chris Tucker’s comedic stylings, Rin stops dishwashing, turns to Saber, and dares to respond. “I mean. Last I heard, Jackie Chan is still alive, so I don't think we could've summoned him. If anything, I could imagine an older, future Jackie Chan being at the Throne but summoning him at this time would be ridiculous and stupid. There's no way nature would allow two of the same person to exist at the same time, even if it was Jackie Chan.”

“She does this a lot… you don't have to take her serio-"

“BUT, to answer your question, I think his unarmed combat would fit the roles of Assassin or Berserker the most.”

“Jeez, why are you humoring her…”

“Indeed, it is true that unarmed combat can suite a Berserker, but I feel it would be unbecoming of him.”

“I feel that Saber, but unfortunately, if summoned with the added Berserker incantation, it would be out of anyone’s control.”

“A very good observation. You are quite the magus, Rin. Thank you for debating the matter with me.”

“Hey, it's my pleasure! At least  _ someone _ here appreciates my skill,” she says while fiercely side-eyeing Shirou, who only responds with a shrug and raised eyebrows.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The dishes get done while Shirou and Rin continue with sparse and awkward conversation. Once she feels she has repaid Shirou’s kindness, Rin leaves unceremoniously with a “See ya.” 

He sits back down at the kotatsu with Saber as she begins Rush Hour 2.

“Didn’t you just watch this one?”

“This is the sequel, Shirou.”

“Where do you keep getting these movies?”

“It is this wonderful thing I have found called ‘On-Demand.’”

“God, I really gotta put a child-lock on this before Taiga finds out…”

A brief moment goes by as they watch the opening scene in silence before Saber pauses the movie and fills this new silence with immense pressure. “Shirou. I must ask you something.”

Shirou’s taken aback by the fact that she bothers to pause. He knows this is serious. He doesn’t like that this is serious.

“What’s wrong, Saber….?”

“Why is it that you allow your enemy within your stronghold?”

“I mean she’s kinda on our s-”

“She is not. This is war, Shirou. In the end, when we are in the presence of the Grail, it cannot be you _ and _ her. 6 of the 7 servants must die or change sides in order to access its power. She will  _ have to _ betray you in the near future.”

“Saber, I understand that it’s war. I understand that your life is on the line.”

Saber responds by slamming her fist on the kotatsu so hard, you would swear she was wearing her mitten-shaped gauntlets.

_ “No _ , Shirou. It is  _ your _ life that is on the line. Your statement clearly shows that you do not understand. This is why Rin is so concerned with you.”

“Wait, what do you mean concerned with me?”

“Can you not see it with your own eyes? She is a very smart magus, Shirou. She did not ally herself with you for your magecraft.”

Shirou’s hand twitches in response, as if it knew better than to actually protest reality. Aware of this, Saber continues relentlessly.

“She is not even allied to take advantage of me. She likely already suspects that you cannot supply me with mana. She has seen me fight.”

“Then why? Why would she do this?”

“She is letting her personal feelings interfere with the War. As far as I understand, she may have pity on you.”

“Pity? On me?”

“She knows you did not ask to be a part of this War. She knows that you belong to the world of Magi, only by an invisible inheritance.”

“But then what? Is she planning on protecting me?”

“That, I cannot say for sure. All I can tell is that time will march forward, and so will Rin, steadfast as ever. She is a woman of conviction, Shirou. Take this pity while it lasts.”

Her last words hang in the air like swords held at Shirou’s neck. After an eternity, Saber softens and resumes Rush Hour 2, which flushes out the tension and replaces it with the first chorus of  _ War _ by Edwin Starr.

“Did you size Rin up on her knowledge by asking her about Jackie Chan as a servant?”

“Mayhaps.”


End file.
